I honestly feel so seen. I use to think I believe in God but my brain doesnt. It use to make me feel ton. But now I know I'm not alone. I am so use to disappointment- so use to being the last choice and the last option by others that I made an oath to myself to choose me at all times no matter who goes or who wants to leave that is fine because I have me. But what happens when this person wants to stay- this God I serve wants to stay through it all. Through all my fears, through all my worries, through every situation I had to figure out on my own- He wants to figure it out for me. He wants me to worry for nothing. How can this be? I am still getting use to this understanding of someone loving me all the time- unconditionally- showing no regard for my past or my present- but rather will invest His love into who I'm becoming. Thank you for sharing this- it has really blessed me.
Wow! Your comment just blessed me too! Thank you for being so honest. The crazy thing is God already knows all of this. You’re literally His daughter, He made you. He knows the thoughts that go through your mind, He knows the fears you hold, the feelings that you carry. He just wants you to give that to Him. He will do the rest, He is so trustworthy. Even if it takes time to get there with Him, never give up because His love for you is so real dear. God bless you <3
“…someone loving me all the time- unconditionally- showing no regard for my past or my present- but rather will invest His love into who I'm becoming.”
At first, this was the scariest thing I’d ever encountered. With this kind of love, there is no hiding anymore. That old pattern begins to dissolve and with it so many assumptions and pieces of identity. A beautiful destruction, really.
Woahhhhhhh... I thought I was the only one who was struggling with unbelief. now I'm in a place where I believe and I'm in awe of God but I wish I could have done it better, because the path I took hurts yet I find joy knowing that God has one more thing to work out with me, another aspect of Him I will see while He heals my soul
“If you find it difficult to be vulnerable with your loved ones, chances are, you probably aren’t being vulnerable with God either “
-This was an interesting point to me. As someone who struggled with vulnerability, I never thought of having to be vulnerable with God because I just assumed that he can already hear my thoughts. I’m inherently vulnerable to God, but I guess we could be more intentional about handing our worries over to him to handle
Mmm! Yes, I totally understand where you’re coming from! Yes, 100% with the intentionality thing! God definitely already knows what’s weighing on our hearts and minds, but He still wants us to bring that to Him. The act of doing so shows that we ourselves trust that God can carry this for us, or that He can help us. God doesn’t want to be forceful, He wants us to choose to do relationship with Him. Honest communication is vital in any relationship. Thank you so much for reading and commenting Bree! Such a great comment 🌷
"Intimacy, a sword, and the acknowledgment of my need for it, my death. Depending on anyone other than myself felt like driving on the wrong side of the road, and just hoping there were no cars incoming." That's wild 💯😮💨
I feel so seen right now because God I keep going back and doing bad things and I keep asking myself when will it stop, can he just smite me and take my life because I'm tired of constantly disappointing Him I'm tired of one moment I'm okay with Him the next I've done something and I'm so so far from Him. I wish I could be what he wants but I don't understand myself, I don't I don't and to still believe he loves me is a thing I don't want to believe or hear from anyone anymore I just want to hear the real truth of what it is, horrible daughter, deserves punishment and unlovable
Thank you for such an honest and vulnerable response, I do not take it lightly at all! The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. There are battles we keep losing because we think it is up to us to fight them alone. We need God’s strength and His grace to overcome our fleshly nature. It is not by our power or might, but by His Spirit. I pray you will relinquish control over to God, and watch how beautifully and powerfully He transforms you. I am so glad you felt seen, thank you for reading and commenting. Sending you hugs 🌷
I absolutely love this, and it feels so relatable. I have a beautiful relationship with God, but every time we try to deepen that connection, I feel a blockade. It’s like a stream flowing that suddenly gets stopped at a point.
Last year, I tried to explain this feeling to a friend, and I felt compelled to express what was in my heart. I said, "I don't trust God."
Whoooosh! The room fell silent. God didn't say anything, but I felt a wave of shame; at the same time, I experienced peace. Yes, God, I admitted it, to You and to myself,I don’t trust You. I couldn't bring myself to surrender every aspect of my life to Him because I had this nagging feeling that if I wasn't in control, things would fall apart.
But then He told me He was glad I said that; it was the first step toward healing.
Ultimately, the year ended with me discovering a new aspect of God: He is Faithful, and this speaks to His unchanging nature. That’s all it took.
This year, I asked Him why my life isn’t like my sister’s, who seems to get everything she wants, especially things she didn’t even work for. He replied, "Esther, you never ask for anything."
I am learning, I truly am, but it’s so hard. I didn’t realize my trauma would affect our relationship this much. Even as a young woman, I tend to run from every emotional attachment and shy away from opportunities to be vulnerable. I tell myself that I'm not ready for commitment, but the truth is that I don’t want to trust anyone with my life. I feel like only I can truly understand myself.
This might sound selfish, but I don't know how to trust freely.
Ohhhh, I just poured my heart out here! I'm feeling a bit shy.
Ahh! No need to feel shy Esther, i promise this is a safe space! Thank you for sharing this! Thank you for your honesty, I don’t take it lightly. I truly believe the best thing to do is to be honest with God. Too many people pretend with God and suffer in silence. God cannot heal the things we refuse to reveal. He wants us to give it to Him and lay it down. I commend you for being honest with God in that moment even though it was hard and seemed unconventional. That acknowledgment was truly the first step in the right direction even if it didn’t seem like it. From what I’ve read from you so far, I can tell there’s a part of you that truly wants to experience this God that you see everyone talking so fondly about. Even though it’s hard to surrender and trust. All I’ll say is keep pressing into that part of your heart Esther. Keep crying to God, keep laying things down. Continue to be honest with Him about your feelings, your hurts, your fears. He will do the rest. I pray the best for you Esther, I can’t wait to see what God will do in your life. 🌷
Thanks for sharing! Every word sounded like it was written about me and for me. Being the eldest (daughter) in an African home will leave you to be independent but when God was requiring me to be dependent (still working on fully surrending), it was difficult since I was so used to not being codependent on others!!
Aww yes! Thank you so much for reading and writing this comment! I can definitely relate to you! It’s definitely a challenge, it’s an act of dying to self constantly. I totally understand you! <3
Thank you for reading, I definitely look forward to reading some of your pieces! And yes, it’s something I’ve pondered for a while now! So interesting.
"It was in His presence that He stripped me bare, calling me out by name, pointing out my facades, demanding my pretenses. He required me to lay down every tool of avoidance I had used to keep myself safe. I couldn’t. Letting go felt like I was being backed off a cliff. Unfortunately, in those initial stages of my walk with God, His demand of my faulty wirings felt threatening. Everything I saw as danger, was everything He required of me for a healthy relationship with Him. Go figure right, haha." Uuuhh 🔥
This is so beautifully well written, and I’m so happy that this was the first thing that came up when I opened the app this morning! I never really thought about how our attachment styles apply to relationships outside of earthly ones and it’s given me an entirely different perspective on my relationship with God. What an enlightening piece!
Thank you so much for reading <3! I am so happy this blessed you. Your comment is so encouraging to me truly. Thank you for taking the time out to write this!
This has led me to shed a tear. For the longest time I have struggled with this especially when going through a hard season followed by prolonged silence. I remember thinking to myself were it upto me I would have done this already, and immediately after that thought then my pride was exposed. I have learnt not to depend on anyone and each time I'm reminded, that God is not anyone. He is dependable through and through, He cares, He sees. I know sometimes I forget it because I'm still work in progress. So thank you for sharing this
Aww wow! Agnes, I am really moved by your comment! Thank you so much for sharing, I do not take it lightly at all. I am so happy to know that you have learned to depend on and really trust God. Yes, He truly does care for you. His hand is on everything, even when it does not seem like it. I pray you continue to hold onto Him tightly, and walk into deeper levels of relationship with Him. You are so loved 🌷
Another Christian writer! And you're discussing a psychology topic on attachment styles I have researched compulsively about. I love to see the two combined -- faith + psych! I can't wait to read what else you have.
Ahh!! Hello!! I see you’re also in faith + psych! So exciting, I look forward to check out some of your work also. Thank you so much for your kindness 🌷
Thank you so much for this writing. Trusting God is really difficult for me. A part of me has already decided to play it safe because He never answers my prayers the way I want it to be answered.
Aww, thank you so much for reading and sharing such an honest comment! 🌷. That’s very understandable, and also pretty relatable for me at one point also! I want you to remember that God will never do anything to harm you. So if things aren’t panning out how you want them to, there’s probably a reason. Sometimes it’s not a hard no, but just a not right now. He wants to build your trust in Him. He works all things out for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose. In the end, everything will make sense. So keep holding on, He won’t fail you, you are so loved. 🌷
I’m beyond grateful that you wrote this beautiful and insightful piece. I have been working on attachment issues and parentification, and I have felt so distant from God even when I seek him. I started wondering if there was a correlation because I felt like I was naturally blocking the way I usually do even when I really want to feel. And this just opened my eyes so much and was perfectly timed for when I needed it. Thank you!
Aww! I am so happy this blessed you! Thank you for your kind words, your comment just blessed me also! God can meet you exactly where you are, just invite Him into that! God bless you 🌷
Thank you for sharing that you struggle with being an avoidant and time and walking through learning with God that safety can change now that he is walking with you. Take it day by day. You got this!! 🫶🏽✨
Goodness, “Our relationship with God is the mirror in which our relationship with man is reflected.”
I’ve never thought about my attachment style with people and the effect it has on my relationship with God.
Thank you for sharing this idea.
Yes! It’s fascinating, isn’t it? Thank you so much for taking the time to read it!!
I keep getting notified every time someone likes the comment and it makes me think about this piece. Pretty timeless!
Ahh! That’s hilarious. I actually wondered if that was happening to you. Thank you so much Gray! 🌷
It does have a strong effect. I noticed
Most definitely.
I honestly feel so seen. I use to think I believe in God but my brain doesnt. It use to make me feel ton. But now I know I'm not alone. I am so use to disappointment- so use to being the last choice and the last option by others that I made an oath to myself to choose me at all times no matter who goes or who wants to leave that is fine because I have me. But what happens when this person wants to stay- this God I serve wants to stay through it all. Through all my fears, through all my worries, through every situation I had to figure out on my own- He wants to figure it out for me. He wants me to worry for nothing. How can this be? I am still getting use to this understanding of someone loving me all the time- unconditionally- showing no regard for my past or my present- but rather will invest His love into who I'm becoming. Thank you for sharing this- it has really blessed me.
Wow! Your comment just blessed me too! Thank you for being so honest. The crazy thing is God already knows all of this. You’re literally His daughter, He made you. He knows the thoughts that go through your mind, He knows the fears you hold, the feelings that you carry. He just wants you to give that to Him. He will do the rest, He is so trustworthy. Even if it takes time to get there with Him, never give up because His love for you is so real dear. God bless you <3
“…someone loving me all the time- unconditionally- showing no regard for my past or my present- but rather will invest His love into who I'm becoming.”
At first, this was the scariest thing I’d ever encountered. With this kind of love, there is no hiding anymore. That old pattern begins to dissolve and with it so many assumptions and pieces of identity. A beautiful destruction, really.
A beautiful and necessary disruption indeed 🌷
Woahhhhhhh... I thought I was the only one who was struggling with unbelief. now I'm in a place where I believe and I'm in awe of God but I wish I could have done it better, because the path I took hurts yet I find joy knowing that God has one more thing to work out with me, another aspect of Him I will see while He heals my soul
Aww this is beautiful! Yes! God has so much more in store! This will be a beautiful journey 🌷
Amenn
Sonya you took the words out of my mouth. Thank you for sharing this 💗
this comment is a blessing to read. God bless you, Sonya!
“If you find it difficult to be vulnerable with your loved ones, chances are, you probably aren’t being vulnerable with God either “
-This was an interesting point to me. As someone who struggled with vulnerability, I never thought of having to be vulnerable with God because I just assumed that he can already hear my thoughts. I’m inherently vulnerable to God, but I guess we could be more intentional about handing our worries over to him to handle
Mmm! Yes, I totally understand where you’re coming from! Yes, 100% with the intentionality thing! God definitely already knows what’s weighing on our hearts and minds, but He still wants us to bring that to Him. The act of doing so shows that we ourselves trust that God can carry this for us, or that He can help us. God doesn’t want to be forceful, He wants us to choose to do relationship with Him. Honest communication is vital in any relationship. Thank you so much for reading and commenting Bree! Such a great comment 🌷
Yes so well put! This is the first time I’ve felt moved to comment on a Substack so thank you for sharing your thoughts. Can’t wait to read more
"Intimacy, a sword, and the acknowledgment of my need for it, my death. Depending on anyone other than myself felt like driving on the wrong side of the road, and just hoping there were no cars incoming." That's wild 💯😮💨
Wildly true 😭🥲
I feel so seen right now because God I keep going back and doing bad things and I keep asking myself when will it stop, can he just smite me and take my life because I'm tired of constantly disappointing Him I'm tired of one moment I'm okay with Him the next I've done something and I'm so so far from Him. I wish I could be what he wants but I don't understand myself, I don't I don't and to still believe he loves me is a thing I don't want to believe or hear from anyone anymore I just want to hear the real truth of what it is, horrible daughter, deserves punishment and unlovable
Can't believe I wrote this wow
Thank you for such an honest and vulnerable response, I do not take it lightly at all! The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. There are battles we keep losing because we think it is up to us to fight them alone. We need God’s strength and His grace to overcome our fleshly nature. It is not by our power or might, but by His Spirit. I pray you will relinquish control over to God, and watch how beautifully and powerfully He transforms you. I am so glad you felt seen, thank you for reading and commenting. Sending you hugs 🌷
Thank youuu 🫂🫂🩷
I absolutely love this, and it feels so relatable. I have a beautiful relationship with God, but every time we try to deepen that connection, I feel a blockade. It’s like a stream flowing that suddenly gets stopped at a point.
Last year, I tried to explain this feeling to a friend, and I felt compelled to express what was in my heart. I said, "I don't trust God."
Whoooosh! The room fell silent. God didn't say anything, but I felt a wave of shame; at the same time, I experienced peace. Yes, God, I admitted it, to You and to myself,I don’t trust You. I couldn't bring myself to surrender every aspect of my life to Him because I had this nagging feeling that if I wasn't in control, things would fall apart.
But then He told me He was glad I said that; it was the first step toward healing.
Ultimately, the year ended with me discovering a new aspect of God: He is Faithful, and this speaks to His unchanging nature. That’s all it took.
This year, I asked Him why my life isn’t like my sister’s, who seems to get everything she wants, especially things she didn’t even work for. He replied, "Esther, you never ask for anything."
I am learning, I truly am, but it’s so hard. I didn’t realize my trauma would affect our relationship this much. Even as a young woman, I tend to run from every emotional attachment and shy away from opportunities to be vulnerable. I tell myself that I'm not ready for commitment, but the truth is that I don’t want to trust anyone with my life. I feel like only I can truly understand myself.
This might sound selfish, but I don't know how to trust freely.
Ohhhh, I just poured my heart out here! I'm feeling a bit shy.
@Unwana this was a comment i made last year. I had to revisit it after reading today’s piece.
I am learning, I truly am.
Ahh! No need to feel shy Esther, i promise this is a safe space! Thank you for sharing this! Thank you for your honesty, I don’t take it lightly. I truly believe the best thing to do is to be honest with God. Too many people pretend with God and suffer in silence. God cannot heal the things we refuse to reveal. He wants us to give it to Him and lay it down. I commend you for being honest with God in that moment even though it was hard and seemed unconventional. That acknowledgment was truly the first step in the right direction even if it didn’t seem like it. From what I’ve read from you so far, I can tell there’s a part of you that truly wants to experience this God that you see everyone talking so fondly about. Even though it’s hard to surrender and trust. All I’ll say is keep pressing into that part of your heart Esther. Keep crying to God, keep laying things down. Continue to be honest with Him about your feelings, your hurts, your fears. He will do the rest. I pray the best for you Esther, I can’t wait to see what God will do in your life. 🌷
Thanks for sharing! Every word sounded like it was written about me and for me. Being the eldest (daughter) in an African home will leave you to be independent but when God was requiring me to be dependent (still working on fully surrending), it was difficult since I was so used to not being codependent on others!!
Aww yes! Thank you so much for reading and writing this comment! I can definitely relate to you! It’s definitely a challenge, it’s an act of dying to self constantly. I totally understand you! <3
Wow, I’ve never really thought about my attachment style and god. Specially cause I have a avoidant attachment style. Thank you for this!
Thank you for reading, I definitely look forward to reading some of your pieces! And yes, it’s something I’ve pondered for a while now! So interesting.
"It was in His presence that He stripped me bare, calling me out by name, pointing out my facades, demanding my pretenses. He required me to lay down every tool of avoidance I had used to keep myself safe. I couldn’t. Letting go felt like I was being backed off a cliff. Unfortunately, in those initial stages of my walk with God, His demand of my faulty wirings felt threatening. Everything I saw as danger, was everything He required of me for a healthy relationship with Him. Go figure right, haha." Uuuhh 🔥
Thank you so much for reading <3
This is so beautifully well written, and I’m so happy that this was the first thing that came up when I opened the app this morning! I never really thought about how our attachment styles apply to relationships outside of earthly ones and it’s given me an entirely different perspective on my relationship with God. What an enlightening piece!
Thank you so much for reading <3! I am so happy this blessed you. Your comment is so encouraging to me truly. Thank you for taking the time out to write this!
This has led me to shed a tear. For the longest time I have struggled with this especially when going through a hard season followed by prolonged silence. I remember thinking to myself were it upto me I would have done this already, and immediately after that thought then my pride was exposed. I have learnt not to depend on anyone and each time I'm reminded, that God is not anyone. He is dependable through and through, He cares, He sees. I know sometimes I forget it because I'm still work in progress. So thank you for sharing this
Aww wow! Agnes, I am really moved by your comment! Thank you so much for sharing, I do not take it lightly at all. I am so happy to know that you have learned to depend on and really trust God. Yes, He truly does care for you. His hand is on everything, even when it does not seem like it. I pray you continue to hold onto Him tightly, and walk into deeper levels of relationship with Him. You are so loved 🌷
Another Christian writer! And you're discussing a psychology topic on attachment styles I have researched compulsively about. I love to see the two combined -- faith + psych! I can't wait to read what else you have.
Ahh!! Hello!! I see you’re also in faith + psych! So exciting, I look forward to check out some of your work also. Thank you so much for your kindness 🌷
Thank you so much for this writing. Trusting God is really difficult for me. A part of me has already decided to play it safe because He never answers my prayers the way I want it to be answered.
I pray God helps me
Aww, thank you so much for reading and sharing such an honest comment! 🌷. That’s very understandable, and also pretty relatable for me at one point also! I want you to remember that God will never do anything to harm you. So if things aren’t panning out how you want them to, there’s probably a reason. Sometimes it’s not a hard no, but just a not right now. He wants to build your trust in Him. He works all things out for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose. In the end, everything will make sense. So keep holding on, He won’t fail you, you are so loved. 🌷
I’m beyond grateful that you wrote this beautiful and insightful piece. I have been working on attachment issues and parentification, and I have felt so distant from God even when I seek him. I started wondering if there was a correlation because I felt like I was naturally blocking the way I usually do even when I really want to feel. And this just opened my eyes so much and was perfectly timed for when I needed it. Thank you!
Aww! I am so happy this blessed you! Thank you for your kind words, your comment just blessed me also! God can meet you exactly where you are, just invite Him into that! God bless you 🌷
Thank you for sharing that you struggle with being an avoidant and time and walking through learning with God that safety can change now that he is walking with you. Take it day by day. You got this!! 🫶🏽✨
Thank you so much Trinity! God bless you 🌷
“Depending on anyone other than myself felt like driving on the wrong side of the road” so relatable!
Thank you so much for reading 🌷